As with all men it's time to put up or run. Since running away seems nice,and "cheaper",I have come up with some interesting "low cost" alternatives to buying stupid diamonds or flowers.
During these gloomy,dreary economic times...Your female counterpart shouldn't expect really nothing, but to show some creative thinking and "heart"....
Let's get started.....
1. CUT OUT A RED CONSTRUCTION PAPER HEART AND LAY IT ON YOUR JUNK....TELL HER THAT HER FAVORITE "STEAKHOUSE" HAS JUICY TENDERLOIN TONIGHT !!!!!
2. IF YOU GO TO YOUR LOCAL CEMETERY (USUALLY BY LATE THURSDAY ..BECAUSE THEY CLEAR OUT FLOWERS)...GO FOR A STROLL , AND "HANDPICK" A NICE SET OF BLOOMS. USUALLY YOU GET LUCKY IF YOU WAIT FOR A "RECENT" SERVICE,FOR THEY ARE THE MOST FRESH.BEWARE OF COPS AND GROUNDSKEEPERS THOUGH,TRY TO BLEND IN SERVICE (SAY YOUR COUSIN TED OR SOMETHING).
ONCE SHE SEES THAT SPECIAL BOUQUET FROM YOU , SHE'LL RAVISH YOU GOOD.
THIS ONE IS AN ALL TIME CLASSIC !!
3. FAKE A STROKE OR BACK INJURY THE NIGHT BEFORE ... (HAVE A BUDDY MULE KICK YOU IN LOWER BACK )....THIS TIP TOTALLY WORKS , YOU CAN BLAME SO MANY REASONS FOR YOUR "CONDITION"....STRESS , WORK , ETC.
A NICE VARIANT OF THIS IS GET YOUR NUTS KICKED INSTEAD ....SURE IT HURTS , BUT THINK OF THE MONEY YOU AND YOUR BROS WILL HAVE TO SPEND ON BEER AND STRIPPERS.....SWEET !!!
4. THIS ONE IS ALITTLE EXTREME (BUT VERY FUNNY).....
STEP 1 : RUN TO YOUR LOCAL MARKET AND GET A QUART OF BUTTERMILK,CLAMATO,BABY FOOD VEG (LIKE STRAINED PEAS OR CARROTS FOR EFFECT),CAN OF CORN.
STEP 2 ; GRAB YOUR BLENDER,COMBINE INGREDIENTS,ADD SOME ICE. BLEND FOR 30 SECONDS.YOU CAN STORE THIS EITHER AT ROOM TEMPERATURE OR COOL IN FRIDGE.
STEP 3 : VISIT THE MALL OR CLEARANCE STORE (ROSS OR MARSHALL). PURCHASE A CHEAP SET OF THOSE HEART / VALENTINE STYLED BOXERS.
STEP 4. : THE NIGHT BEFORE THE BIG DAY WITH YOUR "HONEY",DRINK ALL OF YOUR "JUICE SMOOTHIE". CALL YOUR BEST FRIEND TO COME OVER TO KNEE YOU IN THE GUT A FEW TIMES AND KICK YOU IN THE RECTUM. (LAYING ON THE FLOOR,AS YOUR FRIEND WALKS ACROSS YOUR GUT WORKS TOO !!!)
LAST STEP : WHEN YOU SEE YOUR VALENTINE BE WEARING THOSE SHORTS YOU BOUGHT. TEASE HER WITH A PEEK PREVIEW OF WHAT SHE IS GOING TO SEE LATER.
AS SOON AS SHE SEES HOW CUTE YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE HER DAY BE....BLAST A BOXER LOAD OF GOOEY,COLORED SHIT ALL OVER YOURSELF AND THOSE BOXERS.
THE SHEER SHOCK AND HORROR OF THE EVENT WILL GUARANTEE ,THAT NO VALENTINE'S DAY IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
Well, these are but a few suggestions to help put the beat down on your valentine's day problem. I am always here to help.
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